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The Receipt-A-Thon/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: Get ready for spine-tingling adventure from the greatest outdoorsman show since "larry of the jungle," a show with -- with songs and films and nudity and offensive language, a show even young people will like. And here he is, the star of our show, and my uncle, through some bizarre case of mistaken identity, which happened to lead to a hasty wedding, but that's a long story. Here he is, the most average man in the world, the round knob on the bell curve of life, the star of "the red green show," mr. Red green! Thank you, harold. Thank you, and welcome to possum lodge. I'd like to apologize for, uh, harold's intro. The only nudity we have here are our bald spots, and there's nothing wrong with our language. It's the people that use it that are offensive. I'm just trying to add some edge, you know, some controversy, like I do with my special-effects unit. [ keyboard clacking ] no harm in that. You know, young people like to make, uh, more of things than they really are, you know? It's -- it's something I guess they have to do in order to help them find their way in life and everything. I guess it's natural. But bugs the crap out of me, I'll tell you. Anyway, uh, we had our annual report from our, uh, lodge treasurer, uh, douglas. And, uh -- I, uh, thought it was pretty well-received, considering nobody had read it and -- and nobody listened. What are you doing, douglas? The lodge books. Oh. You busy? Yes, I am. I know that's hard for a government employee to relate to. Was there something else? Oh, yeah. Would you like to play a game of golf, huh? Fore! Thwack! Huh? [ chuckles ] well, let's see. I'm very busy wrapping up the lodge accounts for the end of the month. Mm-hmm. I have to pay the bills and write the checks. And I hate golf. So...No, I guess not. Oh, how about you, harold -- feel like 18? I am 18. Come on, guys! The -- the sun is shining! It's nice weather! Doesn't that just shout dimpled balls and mashie niblicks, huh? Okay. How about a-a little game of golf, a-a mini game? A game of mini golf?! No, not for me, bob. Thank you. Enjoy yourself, though. Well, I-I can't wait all day for you guys to decide. Oh, yeah, by the way, mail came. That letter's for you. Well, I'm off to see if anybody else is interested in a fore-some. Boy, I thought he'd never leave. I was getting cramps hiding in the hallway there. Oh, my god. W-we're being audited. T-the lodge is being audited. Harold, t-the lodge is being audited! Oh, boy! Oh! What does that mean? Oh! Oh, this is the end! This is it! Oh, the government is against us! Do you know how many people they have working for them? We're outnumbered. We're done for. Oh! They're gonna go over our accounts and -- and find out we didn't pay enough tax! Well, how much tax did we pay, douglas? None. Well, that doesn't sound like enough. Well, now, don't worry, fellas. I've been through this kind of thing before. All right. Everybody, come on over here. Bill, douglas, harold, have a seat at the table. What's this all about, doc? I-I don't like this. Y-you scare me! Now, don't get your knickers in a knot, douglas. Have a seat. Now, red, I'm gonna need about a dozen ballpoint pens and a big wad of paper and hot water -- lots and lots of hot water. No, that's something entirely different, isn't it? Or we could make some coffee. Yeah. Get the hot water, red. Well? Oh, yeah. I'll get right on that, doc. Bill, take notes. Now, harold, remember that pair of rubber boots you bought last year so you could help retrieve old man sedgwick's teeth from the swamp? Vaguely. That was a business expense, all right? Now -- now, what did those puppies set you back? $14.99. My mother still complains about that. All right. Well, round it off to an even $100. Well, he -- he doesn't have a receipt. Well, he will, as soon as red gets back with the pens and paper. Now, remember, fellas, you got to print real nice so they look official, all right? That's illegal! No. No, he's right. You're right, douglas. He's right. [ chuckles ] so, does, uh, only the lodge treasurer go to jail, or can red be charged, too, for not keeping track of your financial misdeeds? What about haircuts? I-I got one for every lodge meeting. That's another $500 right there. Good, good. We need harold's zit cream. How about that? No! No, no, no! No, no, no, no. I don't want to go to court and have to testify that I have zits. I don't want judge wapner knowing that. Bill's medical expenses, and the stuff he damages. So that's a couple hundred every week, anyway. Oh, what about, uh, repairs to the lodge -- uh, you know, renovations, upgrading, uh, cleaning expenses, maintenance costs? Can't push that one through. You're thinking about this place, are you? Long shot. Pushing -- we're gonna get in trouble with that. Movie rentals for the vcr! That's one! $50 a week! $100, $100! Push it up there. Okay, 100 bucks a week. Wait a minute! We don't have a vcr. There's a bit of a loophole. Yeah. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ dig, dig, dig, boys ♪ ♪ make that pickax ring ♪ ♪ shovel out the dirt, boys ♪ ♪ make that pickax ring again a couple more times ♪ ♪ oh, dig, dig, dig, boys ♪ ♪ work hard, the big boss say ♪ ♪ 'cause we got to get the septics in and operational ♪ ♪ before the men finish lunch ♪ red: This week in, uh, "handyman corner," we're gonna do a little bit of concentrating on safety. You've all heard the expression "safety first." actually, at the lodge, it's more like "safety forced." but, you know, with the -- with the decay of moral values in society, the members all feel they now have something to live for. So there's a whole new, uh, focus there on the idea of safety. And this gave me an idea. You know, the new cars now have these, uh -- have these air bags that they're in front of you there. And, uh, no, I'm not talking about, like, the little bags they have in front of you on the airplane. So I was thinking, what if you had a personal air bag -- something you could wear on your body at all times for any kind of a front-end collision or whatever? And, uh, so, I thought I might design one of those. And, of course, the first thing you're gonna need... [ clears throat ] ...Is an undershirt. Uh, an undershirt is usually, uh, just holding your own stomach. But this time, it's gonna be having something of value. So you want to seal her off real good. You go across the bottom with, uh, some staples. You might want to make, uh, two or three rows of staples on there. And, uh, then, uh, once you've got the staples all in place, um, you want to just cover that up with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. This is just a safety precaution, really, to cover up the staples, because if any of you have ever been to the outhouse, uh, with a magazine, you know the damage that staples can do. I'll finish that off later. What I want to show you right now is the most important part of the air bag, which is... [ clears throat ] ...The air bag. Nothing runs like a deere, does it? This may look to you like a lawn bag, but this is gonna save your life. What you do is, uh, open up your shirt or open up your blouse or -- well, let's just stick with the shirt now. We want to pack the bag in there just like packing a parachute. Or there was a movie one time where I think they said, uh, "are you packing a parachute, or are you just glad to see me?" luckily, it was just a parachute. All right, uh, once that's in place, uh, you need something that's gonna -- to fill the bag up, something to inflate the bag. And, uh, when you think about safety, what do you think of? Fire extinguisher. Fill that thing up in two seconds flat. Now, make sure you get the co2 kind. Otherwise, you'll be picking fire retardant out of your shorts for the next 24 years. Kind of natural and unobtrusive-looking, isn't it? And the beauty of it is I can just be walking down the street, and, uh, if anything should start coming towards me of a full-frontal nature -- uh, perhaps a speeding truck or what have you -- I just, uh, reach calmly up over my back -- quickly, but calmly up over my back -- and, uh, pull the safety pin, and, uh -- and just release my personal air bag. [ coughs ] uh, it's that simple. So, remember, if women don't find you... [ coughing ] ...Handsome, they should at least find you handy. I'm freezing, and I've blown my bag. Twist ties? Twist ties! Yeah, plenty of those. $1,000, easily -- big bags. Is that a spot over there? Spots! Spot remover! [ indistinct conversation ] "it is autumn, thanksgiving weekend. "friends and family gather around the tv. "Friday night, a basketball game. "Saturday, three college football games. "hockey at night. "Sunday, four football games, "some stock-car races, and a basketball game. "Monday, five football games, "the belgian grand prix, and two hockey games. We really do have so much to give thanks for this year." so, unfortunately, uh, money problems tend to ruin friendships, or whatever it is we have going for us up -- up here at the lodge. And things have kind of deteriorated to the point that people are starting to point fingers at each other and -- and asking questions like, uh, "what color of shoe polish were you drinking when you bought that?" well, you know, uncle red, there were some questionable purchases of late. You know, I'm talking like the -- the eight slot-car racetrack set, you know, minus the transformer and cars, the lava lamps, the wind-powered typewriter, oh, the backhoe. Wa-a! What's wrong with a backhoe, harold? Uh, nothing, absolutely nothing, 'cause I forgot that you purchased that, didn't you? Wa-a! It doesn't matter who bought it, harold. I mean, a backhoe's either a smart purchase, or it wasn't. I say it was. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, it was. I'm just saying that, you know, you could always rent one. Yeah. Yeah, harold. You can always rent one. But if you're renting one often enough, it's cheaper to buy a backhoe. Exactly. Yes. Yes, it is. It's just the only difference is that the rental one -- it runs. Well, yes, and the one that I bought will run, too, harold, as soon as those carburetor parts come in. Don't forget, that -- that's how I got such a great price on it. Wa-a-a! Yes, indeedy, too. You got an excellent price on it. You know, I'm just -- I'm just -- some skeptics, some skeptics, they might ask themselves, like, "well, why did they buy a backhoe that doesn't run, yet they continue to rent one that does?" something. Well, harold, you're just -- you're just not gonna understand this, okay? It's -- it's that simple -- it's the difference between capital expenditure and daily operating cost. You know, you're never gonna figure this out, harold. No. No, it's beyond me. Hi, bob. What? Oh. Hi, red. How you doing? Is that my golf -- golf bag over there? Oh, sorry. Not bad, I guess. I'm doing a little bit of, uh, ministry work. No, don't worry about it. All right. It's not important. What you doing here? Some ministry work. Uh-huh? Yes, land survey. You do that with a golf ball? Well, it's the fastest way to check which way the, uh -- the green breaks... Oh, yeah. ...The -- the land breaks here... The land slopes. Oh, oh, oh. That's right. Yeah. Oh. It's, yeah, definitely a problem. Yeah. Yeah, definitely some lateral movement in the, uh, substrata. See how the ball didn't go in a straight -- it didn't go where you wanted it to go? No. All right, well, bob, uh, you know, uh, I guess you heard we're being audited up at the lodge, eh? And I just thought maybe you could, uh, kind of help -- n-not that we want to cook the books, you know? But we were thinking, you know, with the way you keep your golf score, we could just -- now, just wait a minute here. Now, listen to me, red. I mean, you can check my golf scorecards all the way back to 1973, and you won't find one discrepancy. And those are signed cards. I signed them myself. Well, that's good enough for me, bob. You know, it probably didn't affect the leaderboard anyway, right? Are you wondering about my scoring? Is that it -- how I score? Is that -- is -- oh, have you all been talking about it? I'll tell you what. I will put all of my work aside, and you and I will play a game of golf. I'll start from zero right now. How about that, huh? No, no. No -- no thanks. Are you sure? No, that's fine, that's fine. What I was thinking, though, is, you know, you're the only lodge member who is with the government. And I thought you could kind of explain what this auditing process is and then also maybe give us some inside tips, you know, and so on and what's expected. Well, I'm with the, uh, natural resources. I'm not with revenue. But I really don't know much about tax, uh, deductibles and, you know, that kind of stuff. Yeah. No, I don't know anything about that. [ laughing ] oh, boy. Yeah, definitely some bad movement there, though. The whole continent's in trouble. You know that, eh? [ film projector clicking ] red: Well, for our, uh -- our adventure this week, bill, uh, pulled something out of his pants which I thought originally was, uh, some of them fishnet pantyhose that he wears at parties sometimes. And actually, it was, uh -- it was a hammock for, uh -- for today's adventure. Now, the first thing you got to do is kind of unwind it. And I think we should have dis-- discussed, you know, whether we were gonna go clockwise or counterclockwise. And then he started -- he lost his patience there. [ boing! ] well, it kind of serves you right, there, bill. Anyway, we, uh -- look out, look out, look out, look out. Oh, no, he's fine. And we finally kind of -- oh, there. We switched ends. Maybe that's what -- that's what made it look -- oh, see that? Okay. All right, all right. I see what you mean. Anyway, we got her, uh -- got her, and then we -- but the trees were just, uh -- golly, I think just a little too bit, uh -- yeah, too bit farther, a little too, uh -- maybe not quite close enough together is what I'm trying to say. But on the other hand, uh, you know, if you do use trees that are just that little bit extra bit apart, you get a real good, uh -- a real good tension on the -- on the unit -- uh, maybe a little too much. I don't know. [ boing! ] boy, oh, boy, she's, uh -- she's snug, isn't she? But bill's, uh -- bill's game, you know? And tried -- oh! Oh, boy, oh, boy. [ chuckles ] a hammock's, uh -- there's a lot to a hammock, you know? Uh, no wonder... Aah! ...People are sleeping in them. They're so darn tired from getting into the darn thing, you know? [ chuckles ] so, then we decided to tie all four corners off. And this way, uh, she wouldn't pivot on it. Still had a bit of spring to her, but it wouldn't flip over, so we had a whole other -- oh, oh, oh, oh, ohh! Oh, and he's up 50, 60 feet up there. So I -- I figure, well, heck, we're done with the hammock, and he'll probably just climb down. Come on down, bill. Come on down. Come on down, bill. Not that way, bill. Not that way. Bill, bill, bill! Oh, boy. [ groans ] anyway, uh, he's okay. Hammocks sure are relaxing, aren't they? No, no, no, no. See, I'm not saying anything about you, uncle red. I'm just saying that most men your age have monstrous beer guts. Well, I don't think that's a major concern of yours, harold. Well, I'm just saying, you know, I don't understand it, 'cause in this day and age, we're more health-conscious, certainly, and people are watching what they're eating and what they're drinking. How does that plus that equal monstrous beer gut? Well, it's a sign of maturity. Maturity? No, no. A giant sea turtle lives to be 150. You don't see a monstrous beer gut on him. No, it's not a sign of maturity. It's a sign of a 25-year chugalug contest. Wa-a-a-a! You're not in such great physical shape yourself, there, harold. I don't have a -- a beer gut. You have a pizza face. That's cruel. You started it. Oh, probably just the beer talking. Well, we're all done making up our phony receipts. We got receipts for food, entertainment, ammo, airplanes. And I'll tell you, there isn't a scrap of paper within 40 miles of the lodge, which has created a bit of a problem in the outhouse. Uncle red, have you seen douglas yet today? You know, he spent the entire day downtown with a really strict-looking guy from the government. Wa-a! Right. All right. Okay. Well, I-I suppose douglas will explain that at tonight's lodge meeting. Anyway, the guys had so darn much fun making up all the receipts that they've kind of decided to do that as a -- as a business, you know, for other service clubs or whoever needs phony receipts. They're gonna call it, uh, fraud "r" us. So they've asked the government to give them a list of everybody who's being audited, and then they'll just start making calls, you know. I suppose there's a -- there's a flaw in -- in the reasoning somewhere. But by golly, I can't spot it. [ screeching ] oh, that's it, uncle red -- the squeal of the possum. The meeting is about to begin. I'll be downstairs. I'll -- I'll wait for you down there. But you got to hurry, though, okay? Okay, harold. I'll be right down. Uh, I'll just, uh, zip down there and straighten out the financial situation. Shouldn't take very long. And maybe if any of you have got a financial problem of your own out there, uh, you want some phony receipts, just drop us a line, ask for some bogus stuff. Or we could -- or we could also sell you a backhoe. [ indistinct conversations ] can we get murray to sit down? We're gonna start now. Okay. Hold on. Don't sit down. We're starting. Oh, rise up. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Sit down. All right, first thing on the agenda is, uh, who forgot to take the garbage out. Floor recognizes doc render. Thank you, red. Doc render, everybody. Thank you, douglas. Now, these, uh -- these bags contain, uh, $9 million worth of receipts. I've got a few here that I-I don't think the government will accept, fellas. Uh, this one here is for us having our colors done. No good, bill. Sorry. Maybe I can get a job in the prison laundry, earn five cents a day. Red -- red, old buddy, you'll come and see me in prison, won't you? You'll be in the next cell. Well, didn't you tell the tax guys we have receipts? I even showed them! [ sobs ] all he did was laugh at me! "ha, ha, ha!" oh, boy. Just like that -- "ha, ha, ha!" he said, "you'd better start praying." well... Hey, wait a second, that's it -- praying. We'll declare ourselves a religion. Yeah, yeah! Yeah, those guys don't pay any tax! The church of the possum. I like that. I like that. [ indistinct shouting ] no, no, no. Well, I mean, this place is a little bit of heaven for all of us, isn't it? Huh, guys? Well, I don't know. I don't think taking the lord's name in vain a lot necessarily makes us a religion. Well, o-okay. Why don't we declare ourselves a charity? That'll do. Okay. All right. That's better. Well, that sounds great. We can have a-a charitable golf game, huh? [ indistinct shouting ] put some thought into your actions. We should declare ourselves a disaster area. Bartender, another crème de menthe. Oh, I know! I know! This is what my mom does, right? She's got, like, credit cards, and when they get all full up, she just gets, like, new credit cards. No. The -- the government doesn't take american express. That's it! That's it! We -- we borrow against our credit cards! $10,000 divided by 50 guys is -- $200. $300. That's right. All right. We're safe! Now, first thing tomorrow, we all hit the bank and borrow $300. $200. $200. Thank you, red. I love you! I love you! We're safe! We're safe! [ cheering ] well, if, uh -- if there's -- if there's no other business, bill, I think -- no, nothing there. I say whoever feels like it, get up and entertain us here. Well, I think I'm up, red. I'm gonna show some, uh, putter tricks, you know? Well, I'm gonna tell some jokes! I'm in a good mood! I'm feeling great! Okay, okay. Um, this guy walks into a bar, which is strange, because, uh -- okay, wait a second. Uh, okay. Two guys -- two guys walk into this bar. Uh, you can fool some of the people some of the time, but government isn't people. You know, I think our biggest mistake was announcing our plans on national television, 'cause a lot of civil servants watch this show. Actually, they tape the show so they can watch it at work, and that way, it doesn't cut into their quality time. But I suppose honesty is the best policy, if you have to have a policy. So we'll settle our debt with the government by just borrowing more money. Hell, that's what they do. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home, uh, after the meeting. Gonna have to stay up late and go through that, uh, shoe box full of receipts in the back of the junk drawer. And that way, we'll be ready for the government guy who's coming over tomorrow. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. I got a million of them! I got -- okay. Now, what do you get when you cross a mink with a kangaroo? Uh, minkaroo? No. Uh, a fur coat with one pocket. [ laughs ] what he said. What bob said! Okay, uh, all right, what's worse? A demise of a species. What's worse, uh, a centipede with, uh, a sinus cold, or an elephant with athlete's feet? [ laughs ] uh, the elephant?